Friday, December 3, 2010
The most beautiful loss
On November 19, I lost my Grandmother. I was given to her by my mother when i was fourteen and my sister was about ten, and she became my mother. She was the rock of our family. Her house was the home base. You knew if you needed a place to sllep for the night, you could go there. You knew if you need a bite to eat, you could stop by her house. Every holiday and birthday was celebrated there, and thats how its always been. We dont have that anymore. Im at a very fragile stage in my sobriety because every death that has occured before I instinctively reached for a needle or some sort of drug to numb the pain.
With her death, being completely sober, I felt the beautiful feelings that come with something so painful its hard to describe. I felt this vice around my heart. An electricity through my veins. A pain so intense that it convinced me that there must be a soul inside of us. This time my pain was real. It was pure. It was beautiful.
I love you Ma I find comfort in the fact that you can finally rest and are no longer suffering.
With her death, being completely sober, I felt the beautiful feelings that come with something so painful its hard to describe. I felt this vice around my heart. An electricity through my veins. A pain so intense that it convinced me that there must be a soul inside of us. This time my pain was real. It was pure. It was beautiful.
I love you Ma I find comfort in the fact that you can finally rest and are no longer suffering.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
My heroine
"The drugs begin to peak. A smile of joy arrives in me. But sedation changes to panic and nausea, and breath starts to shorten and heart beat pounds softer. You wont try to save me! you just want to hurt me and leave me desperate! You taught my heart, a sense i never knew i had I can forget the times I was lost and depressed from the awful truth, how do you do it? you're my heroine!!
You wont leave me alone, chisel my heart out of stone, i give in every time. you taught my heart a sense i never knew i had I can forget the times I was lost and depressed from the awful truth, how do you do it? you're my heroine!
I bet you laugh, at the thought of me thinking for myself, I bet you believe that I'm better off with you than some one else.
Your face arrives again. all hope I had becomes surreal. But under your covers more torture than pleasure and just past you lips theres more anger than laughter. NOT NOW OR FOREVER WILL I EVER CHANGE YOU I KNOW THAT TO GO ON I BREAK YOU MY HABIT!!
I will save myself."
You wont leave me alone, chisel my heart out of stone, i give in every time. you taught my heart a sense i never knew i had I can forget the times I was lost and depressed from the awful truth, how do you do it? you're my heroine!
I bet you laugh, at the thought of me thinking for myself, I bet you believe that I'm better off with you than some one else.
Your face arrives again. all hope I had becomes surreal. But under your covers more torture than pleasure and just past you lips theres more anger than laughter. NOT NOW OR FOREVER WILL I EVER CHANGE YOU I KNOW THAT TO GO ON I BREAK YOU MY HABIT!!
I will save myself."
Sunday, November 7, 2010
The twelve steps or not
I want to say first and foremost that I stay neutral about the the twelve steps in a public forum and let you make the choice if it's something that might work for you. I am writing them here and you can research and choose for yourself to work the steps or not. Here we go.
1. We admit we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the higher power (God) as we understood him.
4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admit to the higher power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We are entirely ready to have the higher power remove all these defects of our character.
7.We humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all the persons we have harmed and are willing to make amends with them all.
9. We make direct amends whenever and wherever possible
10. We continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong we admit it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with the higher power . Praying for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all out affairs.
1. We admit we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the higher power (God) as we understood him.
4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admit to the higher power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We are entirely ready to have the higher power remove all these defects of our character.
7.We humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all the persons we have harmed and are willing to make amends with them all.
9. We make direct amends whenever and wherever possible
10. We continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong we admit it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with the higher power . Praying for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all out affairs.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
A Trigger
We all know what a trigger is different from person to person and how many triggers we have are also different. Some of us actually don't even know what their triggers are yet. It takes alot or searcing and digging to find them but they are there. Unless you are one of the other kind of addict and I have two categories. The first one is an addict because they are trying to escape a feeling or event or can't deal with life in general. The second is just a person that nothing bad has never happened to them but they just like to get high.
You're probably wondering where I'm going with this but I'm the first category. I've had some traumatic things happen in my life that I didn't want to deal with and still do not want to deal with. I just came back from a visit with my grandmother who is at the mass general hospital in Boston dying. She raised me through my teen years and did her very best with my sister and I and just seeing her is a big trigger for me. If she passes I'm going to have to find a way to keep the needle form my arm because I know how much pain will be there when this inevitable event occurs. If anyone has any suggestions email me. dddorato@gmail.com
I'm sure I'm not the only one in the world that is going through a death during recovery and I would love some feed back. My advise to anyone that reads my blog is that if you are an addict, find out what your triggers are because its very important to know what sets you off so you can avoid those situations so you can stay clean even if it is for the day, the hour or even a minute. Love yourself, Love the people that love you and stay sober for yourself.
You're probably wondering where I'm going with this but I'm the first category. I've had some traumatic things happen in my life that I didn't want to deal with and still do not want to deal with. I just came back from a visit with my grandmother who is at the mass general hospital in Boston dying. She raised me through my teen years and did her very best with my sister and I and just seeing her is a big trigger for me. If she passes I'm going to have to find a way to keep the needle form my arm because I know how much pain will be there when this inevitable event occurs. If anyone has any suggestions email me. dddorato@gmail.com
I'm sure I'm not the only one in the world that is going through a death during recovery and I would love some feed back. My advise to anyone that reads my blog is that if you are an addict, find out what your triggers are because its very important to know what sets you off so you can avoid those situations so you can stay clean even if it is for the day, the hour or even a minute. Love yourself, Love the people that love you and stay sober for yourself.
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